Another favorite comic up up over at The Nib:
(It’s about half an hour before closing time on a Saturday, which is jokingly referred to by the employees as ‘the creeper hour’ because of all the strange customers we get during that time. However, this night has been relatively slow and weird-free. Customer #1, a man, comes to my line and sets down two cartons of ice cream.)
Me: “How are you today?”
Customer #1: “Fine, thanks. My dog wanted to go for a ride, so I thought I’d reward myself for listening to him.”
(I kind of laugh with the customer and ring through his order. After he pays, he still stands at my register, staring at me.)
Me: “Can I help you with anything else?”
Customer #1: “My dog is a real little dog. It’s probably tearing up my car right now. I can never get him to settle down.”
Me: “Yeah, smaller dogs tend to have more energy.”
Customer #1: “It’s because his parents are siblings.”
Customer #1: “I had the brother and sister dogs and they got together somehow. Had four puppies. One was born with heart problems and died. I gave two away.”
Me: *trying to not cringe* “Okay…”
Customer #1: “I don’t know how they did it. I don’t know why they did it. Why do brother and sister dogs f***? I caught them once. I couldn’t get the brother dog off his sister. You just never forget those kinds of things.”
Me: “Sir, do you mind just—”
(At this point, a second customer comes to my line. She loudly throws some soup cans on the conveyor belt.)
Customer #2: “Oh, hello, sweetie! How are you tonight?”
(Customer #1 glares at her and moves down a little, but still is at my register and opens his mouth as if to continue talking.)
Customer #2: *loudly* “Boy, I can’t believe how great the sales are this week! Oh, do you mind putting my milk in a bag? I hate to be a bother, but it’s just easier to carry.”
(Customer #1 finally seems to get that he can’t continue talking about his incestuous dogs and actually pouts as he walks away.)
Customer #2: “Actually sweetie, I’m sorry. I’m not done shopping yet. I still need to get a couple more things. You just looked like you needed a way out.”
Me: “Oh, my god, thank you so much. Here, I’ll unload the rest of your things and ring them through while you go get what else you need.”
Customer #2: “But did I hear him right? Did he really say what I think he said? Who even thinks that that’s okay?!”
Me: “Ma’am, I don’t mean to be crass but if you think that’s weird then you don’t want to hear the other stuff people have said to me.”
(She laughs and gets the rest of her groceries. When she pays, she asks for $5 cash back and gives it to me for ‘putting up with the village of idiots.’)
Drunk: Where’s my boy, man? –Odessa, Ave. A
Deli guy: Yo Susan, how’s life treating you?
Customer: Bad. I need an new life.
Deli guy: Your life’s almost over and you need a new one? –Bensonhurst
Yuppie #1: “I never put my race down on those forms. Why should I be
classified by race?” Yuppie #2: “I feel the same way about putting my height down on my driver’s
NYU student: “I read the Sunday paper on Sunday–the whole thing–and it really wasn’t that bad! You should try it” Walking in Union Square
I am a screenwriter with friends who make a living as crew film and television.
I have another friend who has a coding business (that, admittedly, I don’t fully understand, as it’s not my expertise).
Client: I want to make a commercial for [his product].
Me: Ok, great! What did you have in mind?
He excitedly tells me his idea. His passion is clear, but I know it’d be one boring commercial.
Me: Ok, um… yeah, we could do that. I could write a script for [low price because he’s a friend] and then I know a few people who could work on the commercial at a discount. We’d just need to get a good location and—
Client: Oh, I’ve got the location, we can shoot in my backyard.
Client: And I wouldn’t be paying anybody - especially at those prices. But I’m sure when they hear the project, they’d love to jump on board.
Me: Well, all the people I mentioned are professionals and -
Client: Do you know how many people would kill for an opportunity like this? This could make us all a lot of money.
Me: Well, again, they’re all professionals and would need to get paid up front for their time on set.
Client: But they’re just friends of yours. And we’ll be shooting in my backyard.
Me: Yeah, but these friends of mine are working professionals who make way more than the prices I mentioned. I might be able to convince them to work at that rate since it’s my script we’d be producing, but I won’t be able to push any further than that.
Client: But I’m sure they’d love this project and want to jump on board.
Me: For free…
Me: You know what, I actually don’t think I’ll have time.
Client: Oh. That sucks. Well, give me your friends’ contact info so I can still get them.
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April 23rd, 2014: Guys, The Midas Flesh #5 comes out today! AHHH. It's the comic I'm writing about oh I don't know KING MIDAS IN SPACE WITH DINOSAURS and this issue is a big one. You can read a preview here! And you can pick the book up at your local comic book shop, or download a digital version instead (/ ALSO??)
One year ago today: some days you write the comics and some days the comics write you